i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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