In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
