i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
