I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
