It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
