Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
