Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
