Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My pussy is not your playground.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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