where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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