Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
