I faked an abortion last night.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
