new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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