I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
