I'm gonna have a badass scar
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my being single is dangerous.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
