Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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