i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I touched a dick in church today
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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