she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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