I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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