We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My dick has a subreddit
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
