So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
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Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize