He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
