my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
