things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
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