my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
