Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
