I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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