I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
