I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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