you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
