dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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