Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Shame - the story of my life.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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