is your mom at the bar?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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