That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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