Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
