The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
