Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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