im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
