I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
