I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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