tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
