Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
