..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
