I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
