my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
