You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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