Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
