I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
