my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
