Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
