WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
