Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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