I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
