Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
