Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
