my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
