i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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